


Don't Go Wasting Your Emotions

by chancellor_valdez



Category: La Reina del Sur (TV), Queen of the South (TV)
Genre: Also some fluff, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And James is sad, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Guero lives, and there's just lots of angst, guero still sucks but he's alive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-06-27 22:55:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15695028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chancellor_valdez/pseuds/chancellor_valdez
Summary: “I’m sorry,” is what she whispers. She’s so sorry she doesn’t know what to do or how to handle any of this and now really isn’t the time for that conversation, but she needs him to know.“For what?” he asks. Although, she thinks he has an idea and maybe he’s just too afraid to hope.All of it, she almost says. Hurting you, getting caught, bringing Guero back into this mess. Not him though. She’s not sorry for her night with him at all.Canon Divergence AU from 3x06 if Guero had lived.





	1. if you want me to let this go, well i'm more than willing

**Author's Note:**

> Not a Guero fan, but I kinda wanted him to live just for the angst and to see Teresa choose James in the end (and make sure he knows it) so I wrote it.

The parking lot of the Taco Bell was barely illuminated by one flickering street light as Pote tried desperately to lighten the mood. It didn’t really work.

James still hadn’t said anything since they left Mexico, but even from the quiet backseat Teresa could feel the tension in the air and the defeat in his shoulders. She wanted to say something, apologize maybe, talk him down from this mood he’d wrapped himself in, but what was there to say. She’d slept with him, and there was something there, and now she was folded into a car with her (sort of) ex boyfriend bleeding in her lap. It wasn’t the best situation.

James declined a slushy and rubbed at his face again, maybe trying to ward off sleep, maybe trying to scrub the emotions from his eyes. Especially if Pote could tell something was wrong. Teresa shook her head at the offer, despite not eating in over 24 hours, she really didn’t have much of an appetite. Funny how that happens.

She softly placed her hand on Guero’s shoulder to ask him if he wanted anything. He didn’t respond. “Guero, are you hungry?” When he didn’t answer again she sighed. “He’s asleep.”

“Well, I’m going to get some food and use the bathroom while we’re here. You sure you don’t want anything?” Pote asked the car. They both shook their heads and Pote sighed as he left the car to walk inside.

It was quiet again after that, but somehow so, so loud. No one spoke, but the space inside was filled with so many unspoken words and worries. The confusion emanating from Teresa. The almost resolute sadness spreading from James in waves. So many complicated feelings and thoughts swirling around the empty air begging to be heard, but with no one to speak them. 

“You sure you’re okay?” He asks in a soft voice. Always worried, that one.

_No,_ she wants to say. _No, I’m confused because I’m stuck here with feelings for you I don’t understand yet and the memories of just last night still coiling in my mind. And the ex love of my life is unconscious and bleeding in my lap and I should be worried about that, but for some reason all I want to do is climb into the front seat and tear all the torment from your heart and kiss you again. And I can’t. Because I can’t neglect Guero again when I’m the one that put him here. And you won’t even look at me._

But she settles on, “I’m fine.” She doesn’t want him anymore upset.

He just nods and looks down at his hands, the hands that held her so softly the night before, and she can see his sadness. She can understand the way its probably clawing at his ribcage when he doesn’t say a thing. She wants him to yell at her. She wants him to scold her for being reckless, and getting herself into this situation again. Chastise her for. Anything. 

It’s as if every second of silence that goes by adds another brick to the growing wall he’s building up between them and she just can’t take it. On top of everything they’ve been through and the things they’ve survived she can’t let this be the straw that broke them. She needs him. Even with the weight of another man pressing into her lap, she needs him in this with her. 

“James?” she doesn’t even know what she’s going to say, only that she needs to say something.

“Hmm?” He turns his head slightly, but his eyes remain forward. Dammit. 

“Thank you,” was what came out. It confused him about as much as it confused her, probably for different reasons. Why was she thanking him? It’s his job. He looks at her then, finally looks at her, and she almost wishes he hadn’t because suddenly it’s all too much. “For coming. For saving us, both of us. And what you said to Guero about Phoenix and coming with us. I know you don’t… just, thank you.” With every word she’s begging him to understand. 

“Of course,” he says like it’s a given. Like she shouldn’t expect him to do anything else at this point. For her. “Teresa, I’ll always…” He pauses, trying to find the right words to convey how much he cares about her, without overstepping his place now that she has him back. “I’ll always protect you.” Even if he doesn’t have a place in her heart, he’ll make sure it keeps beating, no matter what. 

And it hurts her. Knowing all that. Knowing how much he cares and how much he’d give for her, to her. She cares too, she cares so much, but Guero complicated so many things for her and her head is a tangle of strings and she doesn’t know how to fix any of it. She loved Guero, she did, but loved in the past tense. He was her life for so long. The only joys she had were the things he’s given to her. But he left and she ran. Right into James. She had become so resigned to Guero being a part of her past and then he’d shown up again out of smoke and gotten hurt and shot because of her and she couldn’t just abandon him to the mercy of wolves. She wouldn’t do that. But she can’t watch James drown himself in the front seat either.

It’s all such a mess.

“I’m sorry,” is what she whispers. She’s so sorry she doesn’t know what to do or how to handle any of this and now really isn’t the time for that conversation, but she needs him to know.

“For what?” he asks. Although, she thinks he has an idea and maybe he’s just too afraid to hope.

_All of it, she almost says. Hurting you, getting caught, bringing Guero back into our lives. Not him though. She’s not sorry for her night with him at all._

Her eyes plead with him in the review mirror to get it. This isn’t at all what she wanted. He has to know that. She just needs some time to sort it out, but he can’t give up on her. 

“I-”is all she starts to say when Guero manages to shift in her lap and let out a grunt, shattering the moment and bringing back the reality of their situation. 

“Teresa?” his scratchy voice calls out and she’s stuck. She doesn’t look from James. This isn’t over. He has to see it. He swallows and breaks eye contact and she almost wants to scream. At both of them. At Guero for being stupid enough to stay in captivity so he could save her if she happened to get caught. For bleeding for her. At James for being so damn self sacrificing that he thinks this is all part of what he deserves. At both of them for managing to turn her already stressful life on its head. These fucking men. 

She lets James sulk and looks down into Guero’s face. “Hey,” she shoots for tender, but it comes out tired. Her fingers sweep the hair from his eyes and he catches her hand, bringing it to his mouth and lightly kissing her wrist. It makes her stomach ache. So she pretends to check sounds at his side to distract herself from the feeling. The bleeding had stopped a little while ago, but he was still pale and needed a doctor as soon as they could find one. 

James sniffs and unbuckles from his seat, mumbling about checking on Pote and making sure he doesn’t waste all their cash on chalupas. She watches him go and part of her wishes she could follow.

“Good ole James,” Guero mocks because of course he does. She looks back down at him in time to see his eyes roll to the side. “Does he have more than one emotion?”

_Yes. He’s loving, and soft, and torn up inside by the things he’s done. He tears up when he thinks about that little girl and doesn’t think he deserves anything I’m willing to give him. He smiles and jokes in the back of police cars to lighten up the mood, and yells at me for being reckless when he’s leapt through a window to protect me. He’s loyal to a fault and doesn’t think he has control of his own life. He cares about people even if he can’t show it most of the time. He has so many emotions., maybe too many for one man to handle._

She doesn’t say that though, it’s probably not what Guero is looking to hear. So she goes with the obvious defense.

“He saved your life.”

“Sure,” he responds, like he still thinks they could’ve made it out of there on their own. Guero and his stupid pride and ridiculous drive to be a hero in her eyes. He could be so idiotic. 

“Hey. He works with me now. And I trust him. And whether you believe it or not he just saved both of our lives back there so you need to stop.” 

He scoffs at that. She thinks if he wasn’t currently dying he probably would’ve gotten up and walked inside too. “Wow.”

“What?” 

He just shakes his head and almost laughs. “Camila was right.”

She doesn’t have to ask him what he’s referring to. She knows. Camila’s comment about sharing his bed, even if it was meant as a thoughtless jab to heighten the tensions in their cells, was accurate and now Guero can feel it. 

“This isn’t the time.” They have too much on their plates to worry about Guero’s issues. They just escaped with their lives, and honestly he might still be fighting for his. If James can swallow his sadness to keep everyone safe and get the job done, then Guero better fucking try too. They could work out their personal problems in Phoenix, after they were safe and rested and not ready to tear someone’s throat out. 

“Of course it isn’t. You always come to his defense.”

“Guero- “

“He tried to kill you, Teresa. He betrayed you to Camila?”

“He didn’t. And you left me to the Vargas cartel in Sinaloa to fight for my life. We all make mistakes, Guero. I trust him. That should be enough for you.”

“That’s different.”

“It always is. He’s here now and you need to respect that. You need to respect him and my decision to keep him here. He’s trying to keep me alive.”

He doesn’t say anything, just grips her hand and looks away, which she thinks means he’s accepted what she had to say. For now, at least. She knows tensions between him and James won’t last for long. Guero will test each line they’ve made in the sand and any button he can find and place himself as the protector in her life and James will be stuck trying to stand his ground and not cross any lines himself and there will be bickering every other hour, but she’ll take it for now. 

She looks out the window towards the restaurant, if you could call it that. They were the only ones in the parking lot at that point. What was she going to do? Phoenix held safety, but it also held confrontations she wasn’t ready to have. Ones she didn’t know how to have.

James and Pote walked through the door just then, both of them carrying a paper bag and a drink. She guessed James decided to eat after all. They were talking hurriedly, probably about Guero and the events of the night. It looked like Pote was still trying to cheer him up, and she wanted to laugh. These were her people. Her team. Her family. She trusted them and she cared about them and she just wanted to make it through to the other side without it all falling apart. 

They settled back into their seats and Pote pulled away, already stuffing half a burrito into his mouth. James sips on an electric blue slushy beverage and looks through the bag in his lap. 

“So, Pote convinced you to go for a slushy after all?” She tries to joke, grasping at anything to get him to talk to her.

“It’s not so bad.” He takes a few napkins from the bag and a small wrapped taco and then turns, holding the rest of the bag behind him towards her. She just looks at it, not sure what to say.

“Uh, I didn’t ask for anything,” she says, even though she knows he’s aware. 

“I know, but I didn’t think they served you any quality meals in a cage, so you probably need to eat something. And I figured the injured one here might want a burrito or something.”

His tone seemed lighter than before and she didn’t miss the approving way Pote tried to look at him from the corner of his eye. 

“I wouldn’t exactly call this quality food either,” she mumbles, but she takes the bag and thinks she sees his lips twitch just a bit. 

“Just try to eat,” he encouraged, almost pleaded. She saw the softness behind his eyes and knew this was him trying. For her. This was his small peace offering for the night to tell her it was okay. That they would talk about it later, but now they had other worries and she didn’t have to stress herself about too many things. 

So she nodded and thanked him and reached into the bag to pull out a plain soft taco. He was always looking after her, even when she didn’t realize it. She had to smile to herself at that. Just a day ago she’d woken up next to him, gone to get him a morning steak, and wound up in a cage in Mexico. And now they were chewing on some Taco Bell with Guero in her lap and Pote behind the wheel and everything was different.

They still had so much to work through, so many feelings to figure out. She knew it would be complicated and confusing and as hard as she tried someone she cared for so deeply would still end up hurt and she would be the one to decide who. There was so much in the future for all of them, but right now, in the quiet backseat of the car flying through the night, as they all ate their mediocre fast food. As Pote launched into a discussion about the taco meat, and James shook his head. As Guero tried to swallow a bite of burrito, and Teresa still grasped his hand, she thought that maybe they’d all make it through this and see the other side. 

They weren’t in the clear yet, and it would take so much work from all of them, but maybe in the end, they’d all be okay. It was wishful thinking on her part.


	2. i don't deserve your love, but you give it to me anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teresa and James find a short, quiet moment to talk out a few things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally did it! Chapter 2 is here after many mental breakdowns so I hope you enjoy it! Also the editing in this is probably shit because I rushed trying to get it done in time but its fiiiiine. <3

When you’re surrounded by death and war and destruction, some part of you starts to rationalize it, to expect it. You become so desensitized to the blood under your fingernails and the echoes of gunshots in your ears that even when you feel the need to cry ripping through your chest, you just don’t. You lose enough people and eventually there’s no more tears left to shed.

That thought always worried Teresa. In truth, she was once scared she’d end up like Camila or James, cut off emotionally from it all. She knows now that’s not true, that they still feel the pain and the regret weighing down on them even if they don’t show it. She just didn’t want to forget how to be a person.

But now, sitting next to Guero’s bed for the sixth straight hour since they got back, she’s not surprised she hasn’t cried. She wants to, even though she’s let go of him so many times at this point, it’s like the tears know better than to come out. Almost like they’re just as exhausted as she is. Is that who she’s become? Someone who’s so tired and worn down by it all she can’t even cry?

She rubs at her eyes, pressing them to stay open and awake. She hasn’t since yesterday morning when they took her. She hasn’t slept since she slept next to James. 

The thought is a fork twisting her insides like spaghetti. She hasn’t talked to him since they got back to the house. He went to the winery to begin figuring out the Pecas situation and she went with Guero and the doc. That was hours ago, realistically James is back by now and he just hasn’t come to see her. She tries not to dwell on it, they’ve all had a stressful 24 hours. He probably just went to sleep, like Pote had after he tried to bring her food, twice. 

She doesn’t know he, like her, hasn’t been able to find solace un unconsciousness. She doesn’t know that he’s started to walk down the hallway towards her three times since he’s returned and decided to turn back, losing his nerve. She doesn’t know he’s trying to do the right thing and walk away despite the ties that keep yanking him back to her. She doesn’t know.

She’ll have to find him eventually, they have too much to talk about. Pecas, Camila, Guero…

Part of her wants to get up right now and search him out, maybe just to see his face again. But the other part of her can’t. That part knows she has to stay by Guero until he wakes up. It’s her fault he’s in this position. She left him behind at the docks. She got him stuck in Camila’s cage for 6 months of torture. She got him shot. No matter how much she wants to find slight comfort in James and his soft eyes, she owes it to Guero to see this through. 

So instead she sits there and thinks about the two men in her life with a hand on her heart. 

Guero was her first love, her great love. She used to think of him as the knight that swept her off the streets and gave her a comfortable life and security and love for the first time. They had loved each other so much, had planned their entire futures after the cartel. They were going to have a life together. Forever. 

But that was all past tense now. She could see it for the pipe dream it was, just an unrealistic hope of two lovers trying to free themselves. It was never going to happen.

James understood that. James.

If there was a human foil for Guero she thinks she may have found it in James. The hard man dressed in black that raced her through the streets of Dallas towards an airport the day he met her. He was complicated and tangled and ripped up inside, just like her. And even if he didn’t let others see it, he had a warm heart hidden behind his walls. He was an example of what this business did to people. And he knew that.

He didn’t have any delusions of escape or freedom like Guero did. But that didn’t stop him from trying to protect her from it as much as he could. So she didn’t turn out like him. He doesn’t realize he’s already too late.

But she’s not the same Teresa she was with Guero in Sinaloa. That Teresa died little by little every day she had to run. Part of her died in that safe house under Gato, another part died when she shot a man in the hotel room, and again when Brenda died. There isn’t any of that Teresa left anymore. And she doesn’t know if this Teresa can fit against Guero the same way she used to, even if she wishes she could. Would she still leave the cartel behind and run off to Spain if she could? Or would she stay, and fight for what she’s earned the right way, with James?

She shakes it off though. She can’t worry about those emotions right now. There’s too much at stake right now to indulge in fantasies. Still, she reaches forward and runs her fingers against Guero’s wrist to feel the comfort of his skin and to check the strength of his pulse.

And that’s when there’s a soft knock at the door and James finally appears.

He looks like shit. Well, as much like shit as a man like him can. His eyes settle on her hand on the bed and she pretends she doesn’t see the small flash of hurt in his eyes before he pushes it back down. He swallows and clears his throat like he’s trying to shake himself out of it before he looks at her.

“How is he?” 

Teresa pulls her hand back and rubs it against her eyes. “The same.”

He nods like it’s what he already expected to hear. “Have you slept at all since we got back?” His voice takes on that concerned, but strict tone he gets when she’s being reckless or stupid. 

“I’m fine.”

“That’s not what I asked, Teresa.”

He can be so protective it becomes overbearing, even when she knows it comes from a good place. She can’t exactly tell him she can’t sleep because her mind won’t shut up about him long enough to let her rest. 

“I napped earlier James,” she lies. He hasn’t been around to know the difference or not. “I said I’m fine.”

He sighs. He doesn’t believe her. “With Pecas out there, and Camila… you can’t be pushing yourself like this Teresa.”

She wasn’t pushing herself. She was just trying to rationalize all the the thoughts and feelings buzzing around in her skull. Thoughts that involved him and the sleeping body on the bed between them. Thoughts that were too loud and confusing.

Every time she closed her eyes she could feel James pressing his lips to her neck, or hear Guero the first time he told her he loved her. She’d see the look in his eyes when Camila mentioned her relationship with James, or imagine James’s face in the front seat of the car on the way back to Phoenix. She’d think about how happy she felt for the first time in her life when she met Guero, or how she felt like she could breathe for the first time in a year when she woke up in James’s arms. The two men danced through her head and just made everything even more hard to handle.

It was too much and she faltered.

Her palms pressed herd against her eyes to hide the tears of frustration. But the shaking breath she gulps in gives her away.

“Teresa-“ 

“I’m _fine_ ,” she assures with the most unconvincing sniffle she can manage. Great.

So of course he crosses the room in a few steps and kneels in front of her chair, lightly pulling her hands away form her face. "Hey." He’s so gentle with her sometimes she forgets he’s a trained assassin, that he's a killer. 

“I’m really okay. I promise, it’s just been… a rough couple of days.”

“You know you’re allowed to not be fine. You’re allowed to break.” His eyes are so soft and pleading. Even though he’s probably as torn up as she is with the return of “the great love of her life” she’s here in front of her, rubbing soft circles on the back of her hands and comforting her. Doesn’t he know he’s allowed to not be fine too? 

The thought makes her want to cry more. 

And then he reaches one hand out to wipe the tears from her cheek and it’s like a wave crashes over her. 

No emotions. Close yourself off. This could just end up hurting him more. Hurting either of them more. She can’t sit here and find relief in James and his brown eyes and soft hands while Guero is dying on the bed next to them. She has to be rational about this. Business first emotions later or she just might burst.

“James-“ 

He pulls his hand back immediately as if her skin is hot to the touch. “I’m sorry-“

“No. That’s not…” He’s not looking at her and it’s all gone to shit so fast she scrambles for the right words to say. “James.” Her voice pleads with him to just look at her. “I know a lot has happened in the last two days. A lot of things we have to talk about. And we will. But I just… I can’t sort it all out right now. With both of you and Pecas and the business, it’s… Until he’s better and it’s all taken care of, I just can’t-” Are these the right words? Does he even understand what she means?

“Yeah. Yeah of course.” He’s pulling away now, retreating again. Shit.

“Wait. Please. You need to know; I need you to understand that I don’t regret it. At all. And I do care. About you. But I also care about him. And I just have so much to deal with and think through right now I need the time to figure it all out. But I don’t regret you.” The way he swallows and just stares at he lets her know he gets it. He’ll always get it. That’s how it is with two people almost damaged beyond repair that found another soul to cling to. She can tell him anything and he’ll understand. She doesn’t have to hide from him. They’ll never have to hide from each other. 

“Yeah,” his voice is scratchy. “It’s alright. Teresa this, what you’re doing, it’s important. And when I said I was in, with you, I meant it. I understand. If you need the time you have it, there’s more to worry about here. But I just need you to take care of yourself too, okay? You can’t do any part of this dead on your feet.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“No. You don’t have to apologize. You don’t. You’ve been through, so much, and not just in the last day or two. If it gets too loud in there, I get it. Maybe just try to start with getting some sleep though? How about that? You can worry about the rest of it when you wake up.”

She just looks at him for a long moment. He was putting himself aside for her, just like he did in the car. He was assuring her she was top priority and he’d wait. He’d pack it all away like it never happened if that’s what she wanted. It almost makes the pain worse. He didn’t deserve it. It was hurting him even if he didn’t show it.

All she could do was nod and try to smile. 

“Good.” He stood to leave and gave her shoulder one quick squeeze as he turned. “I’ll come check back in a couple of hours. We can worry about Pecas then.”

But she holds his hand in place, not quite ready to see him go. She felt like she should say something more to ease the tension built up around him. She owed him that.

“I know you’re here for me, and to do better, but if you need to leave, even if it’s just for a little bit… if this is too much,” she sniffles again, afraid to look at him. “You can leave. I won’t hold it against you.”

“Hey,” he whispers, hand sliding up her neck, fingers still bent between hers. “Teresa.” When she finally finds the courage to look up she’s almost startled by how much emotion is heavy in his face. She’s never seen him so open and bared before her, not like this. “I am not leaving.” He says it slowly, to let the meaning sink in. He’s staying.

She can turn back to Guero. She can pretend she’s still that girl until she actually believes it. She can erase their night together like it never happened. She can turn him aside and never love him or care for him like he does for her and he won’t leave. He’ll stay beside her and deal with whatever she chooses to keep her safe and happy and alive even if he loses her. 

If she really thinks about it, that’s probably the moment she realizes she might really love him. The way she loves Guero. And it brings her a sense of peace. They’ll be okay. He can wait, and she can figure this all out and when it’s over she’ll be able to turn back to him and really talk about this. About them. But they have the time. And it makes her really smile, a watery curve of her lips that lifts her heart as his thumb strokes her jaw. 

So she turns her head enough to brush her lips against his wrist in a kiss. “Thank you.”

He nods and places his own kiss to the crown of her head before he pulls his hand away to go. She watches him leave and stares at the closed door after he goes. Of all the trigger happy men in the cartel, she got partnered with him one day, months ago, to deliver the coke in her stomach to Han. And that thought alone makes her feel lucky. She really is so lucky to have been stuck with him when she did. Because in a way they saved each other, over and over again. 

And they’ll keep saving each other. Neither of them know what the future holds, for them or just in general. It could all go up in flames or down in rubble, but they’ll figure it out together. They’ll do it all together no matter which path her heart takes. 

She pulls her knees to her chest and curls up in the chair and finally sleep isn’t so hard for her to come by.

 

This time, as she rests, it’s not Guero bleeding stuck in a cage next to her. And it’s not Guero bleeding out in her lap in the backseat. And it’s not Guero’s hand she’s holding as he lies unconscious in bed. It’s James. 

This time, it’s James she’s crying for, and worrying over, and loving. Guero doesn’t visit her in the dream like James had. He doesn’t sit in front of her and whisper his patience and hold out his heart for her. He wouldn’t. He’s not James.

She doesn’t really know what exactly it’s supposed to mean to her. But if she really thinks about it, maybe the decision she she’s been trying to make has already been decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to come cry with me @chancellor-valdez on tungle dot com. i spend most of my time thirsty for james and yelling.


	3. with every heartbeat i have left, i will defend your every breath, and i will do better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may have gotten away from me and ended up being 4k. Oops? Also full disclosure, I spent so long on this one my editing basically consisted of me skimming and fixing like 3 typos so expect my messy ass to have a few mistakes that I'll go back and edit later. But if I don't post now I wont have time for a few more days, so ENJOY!

Of course when she opened the door, balancing a plate of Pote’s rice in one hand, and water in the other, Guero was not resting in bed like she had told him to be. 

“Guero!” she said with a huff. He was perched on the edge of the bed holding his side and staring at his feet like he was preparing himself to stand. His head shot up guiltily when she called out to him. 

“Hey babe,” he said innocently enough. He looked better in the couple days since he woke back up, not as pale, definitely not as quiet, but he should still be resting. 

She sat the food on the small table at his bedside and turned to force him back into bed. “Lay back down.” He sighed in defeat, but allowed her to guide him back against the pillows. 

“Come on, I need to start walking around again. There’s people out there that want you dead, Teresa. I can’t just sit in bed while you’re out there.”

“No. You can help, when you can stand on your own. And that’s not today. So back to bed.” She makes sure he’s propped up enough to eat and comfortable enough that his stitches aren’t pulling; they’re already in bad shape as is. But when she turns to leave for the kitchen his fingers catch her wrist and when she looks at those damn soft, blue eyes, she feels like the girl he found changing money in Sinaloa. So she sits back in the chair next to him. 

He picks at the rice on his plate with disinterest and so she looks out the window, letting the silence grow. It seems like they’re both bursting at the seems with words to say, but they can’t figure out how to string them into sentences and pull them out of their mouths. Maybe she’s not that girl anymore. Maybe he’s not that guy either. Maybe they don’t know each other at all at this point.

“You been okay?” His voice cracks through her thoughts.

“Of course. Just business as usual.” She tries for light, but probably comes off as tired because the answer doesn’t seem to satisfy him. He looks conflicted for a moment, like he doesn’t know if he should say more. 

“You know I just want to be able to help out because I worry about you.” His voice his soft. He’s trying to hold on to who they used to be so hard it’s breaking in his grip. “And I’m never gonna stop, because I love you,” he says what she was hoping he wouldn’t and she closes her eyes against it. 

He doesn’t realize what she has. That it might be too late to save this. And it hurts. Of course she still loves him, or part of her does. He saved her. She planned their future together. They were gonna see it to the end. You don’t forget someone like that in your life. But now… Things were different now. They were different. 

“Guero…”

“Is this about James?” 

James.

She sighed and rubbed her eyes in exhaustion. 

She hadn’t talked to him about anything besides business since their last talk over Guero’s bed. They had to spend too much time worrying about when Pecas would make his next move, and why Camila had been so quiet, and Guero teetering on the edge of death to give any time to much else. Including sleep. She was so tired. 

And tonight was the wedding at the winery that it seemed everyone wanted to cancel.

“No, this is not about James. It’s about me.”

“So you can talk him about it, but not me? He gets a nice talk about your feelings?” So he hadn’t been asleep that night. 

“Guero, that’s different.”

“How? Why is it all suddenly _different_ when it comes to him? Because you slept with him? What, do you love him now too?” 

That’s the million-dollar question now isn’t it? She thought to herself. And he was demanding it out of her like she owed it to him. She may have owed him a lot at this point, but that was not something he had a claim to. Not since he’d left.

“This is why it’s different!” She said in a burst of breath and emotion, standing from her chair to look down to him. “This. Yeah I talked it out with James, because he gets it. When I told him I needed time and I had other things to worry about first he gave me space without making me feel like shit about it. And sure, some of that is probably his own self-deprecating behavior, but he doesn’t push Guero.” She thinks she hears him mumble something about pushing his way back here, but she ignores it, too annoyed to bother. “All you’ve done is ridicule me and question me. As if I don’t already feel bad enough that you’re in this position because of me.

“There is a lot I have to figure out right now without worrying about hurting your feelings. I didn’t tell you I needed time to figure it out because that would mean telling you, yeah, I could have feelings for him too. And I knew that wasn’t something you’d want to here after you just got tortured and shot _for me_. Now there’s another person trying to kill me and that’s what I actually need to worry about.” She’s breathing heavily and rubbing at her temple, trying not to get overwhelmed. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry, I know that’s not… I’ll shut up.” He reached out to rub her arm with his fingertips. He doesn’t realize it makes things worse. Especially when he pulls her hand to his mouth and presses a gentle kiss to her knuckles. 

Thankfully, there’s a brisk knock on the door. 

“Come in,” she calls and pulls her hand away from Guero to wipe at her eyes, in irritation and to make sure she hadn’t actually started crying.

Of course it’s James that walks in. He looks back and forth between them as he enters and he must sense the tension in the air because his brow furrows and when he looks at her he almost asks if she’s okay with his eyes. She gives him a short nod and he lets it go. But he’ll probably check in on her later. Because he’s James.

“We’ve got a problem,” he continues.

“Of course we do. What this time?”

“We got word that apparently Pecas sent some men to carry out a hit on you. He made you a specific target. We need to shut this wedding down, get you away some place safe.”

“You really think he’d try something with all the people there?” Guero interjects and James gets the look on his face he always wears when Guero talks. 

“I think I’d rather not wait and find out.” There’s challenge in his tone almost as if he’s defending his ability to protect her. 

“Hey, buddy, I don’t want her going either.”  
“If I hide, he’ll think I’m scared. Then he still wins. I already told you. I’m not running anymore. I earned this. Nothing changes.” She spoke to James over Guero’s voice. There was no running. She’d spent enough of her life trying to hide and leave her problems behind. 

“And Guero’s probably right about him not wanting to cause a scene anyway. I should head over there.” And she walks out. 

She was in the eye of a storm of too many conflicting emotions trying to sort themselves out. All while someone readied a sniper at her head if she wasn’t careful. 

“Everything okay?” James had entered the hallway just behind her and was giving her that critical look, like he was worried but he didn’t want her to know that. She gave a short nod. 

“I’m sorry. You can handle yourself. I know that. I don’t think you’re weak, I just… I want to be able to protect you. I get carried away with it sometimes.”

“I know. But that’s why you’ll be there. To protect me. If I need it,” she assured him with a smile.

It earns her a small one in return, which is enough when it comes from James. 

“I’ll meet you at the car in 20 to leave.”

 

Guero, as it turned out, was wrong. Or partially wrong. 

Pecas didn’t risk causing a scene at the wedding. That’s why he only sent in one man to quietly take care of it. The same man that was currently blocking the door to the cellar where she tried to work. 

She’d just snuck away there for a moment of quiet away from James and Pote’s hovering. And she hadn’t told either of them. 

So now she was standing poised behind the desk weighing her best options at escape. His gun wasn’t drawn yet, but that didn’t buy her but half a second. Probably not even enough time to reach for the hidden gun stashed by the table leg. It would take someone a couple of minutes to find her hiding there even after they realized she was gone. Even if they heard her scream. 

“What do you want?” She asks the stupid question. Maybe she’ll get lucky and can stall.

He doesn’t answer verbally, but he smiles a shit eating grin beneath his mustache and takes a step forward. A switchblade flicks from somewhere on his wrist. She missed that one. There was no time for stalling, she had to make her move now before it was too late. 

She took a small step back and his smile deepened. It was the smile of a fool who underestimated every woman he’d ever crossed paths with.

When he took one more step closer and into reach she pulled her leg up and kicked the edge of the table as hard as she could, right into him. It wasn’t much, but distracted him long enough that she could drop to the floor and roll to reach the taped gun. 

She tore it from the underside of the table, made sure it was loaded, and rose to take her shot. One in the shoulder and it knocks him backwards. She takes the chance and slides over the table, running for the door. Of course she doesn’t make it. Just as she reaches the entryway a meaty hand clutches at her ankle. Her feet are yanked right out from under her, sending her face first into the ground and her gun across the floor. Immediately she tastes blood on her tongue. 

She kicks her free leg out behind her hoping to find something, but no matter how many soft grunts she hears or how many times her boot connects with a soft crunch, the hand on her ankle doesn’t loosen. Suddenly, she’s back at the safe house and Gato is the one with a grip on her leg. It’s enough to tear a scream from her throat as she delivers one last kick to his nose and the hand falls away. 

She scrambles on her hands and knees across the floor towards her gun. He fingers brush metal, and a heavy boot connects with her stomach, knocking all the breath from her lungs and curling her body in on itself. She doesn’t even have time to gather a gasp of air before another kick is delivered to the side of her face. 

She suddenly see’s stars and hears her own blood in her ears. 

The next thing she realizes is there’s a hand locked around her throat and her body is being lifted off the ground and against the wall. He’s mumbling a string of curses she can’t even hear and she claws at his hands. Its getting so hard to breathe and black is creeping into her vision and she thinks for some reason she smells tobacco in her nose. He’s too big compared to her frame and already weakened state. 

With one last chance at escape, she swings her leg out.

And it connects between his. 

It’s enough for him to drop her and she wastes no time reaching out and feelings the gun in her hand. 

He gets out one last “fucking puta” before she unloads 3 shots into his chest and then he doesn’t make another noise.  
She’s slouched against the wall, with the gun dropped at her side trying to catch her breath when the thundering of footsteps at the stairs announces someone else’s arrival. It could be backup that heard the shots. It could be Pecas himself sent to finish the job. 

She raises the gun again with a shakier hand and points it toward the end of the hall just as Pote and James turn the corner with their own guns raised. There’s a moment of shock where no one moves, before Teresa even realizes they’re people there to help her and not a threat. James takes in the scene and moves before anyone else. He returns his gun to his back waistband and raises up his hands towards her, so slowly. 

“It’s us, Teresa.”

His voice breaks her out of it. That soft voice of his almost blankets her in calm and safety, and she slowly lets her hand drop the gun to her side again. 

Once there isn’t a weapon aimed at his head any longer rushes to her, kneeling down in front of her, running his hand over her hair and arms checking for injuries or bullet holes. She’s looking at the blood staining the wall in front of her like red spray paint. Pote’s bent by the body to check for a pulse. He won’t find one. 

There’s a buzzing in her ears like a thousand bees all trying to fit inside her skull at once and it’s almost impossible to concentrate on anything. Her vision’s shaky at best. That kick to the cheek really did the job. 

Then, calloused hands are framing her face and coaxing her gaze to move away from the wall and towards James.  
“Are you okay?” When she just looks at him for a beat he repeats himself. “Teresa, I need you to tell me if you’re okay.” She’s never heard his voice so strained before.

“I’m fine.” It comes out as a gasp, so he doesn’t believe her at all and she watches his gaze get more serious. The solid lines of his face grow hard with concern. Perhaps if she paid more attention, she’d notice how shit he actually is at concealing his emotions.

“Teresa-“ it comes out softer than she expected. 

“I will be fine.” She means _I look like shit and I hurt all over, but I’m not currently dying so you can put your panic attack on hold_. It seems to be a decent answer to accept with a shaky sigh and a momentary close of his eyes. He seemed really shaken this time around. He seems scared. She can see it in his eyes when he lifts them back to hers. They’re raw and bared with what she thinks are barely contained tears. Here she is staring at this man in front of her that acts as tough and detached as a man in his line of work can get, and his eyes are watery and his voice is low and his thumb on her cheek has a slight tremor. She didn’t know a man like him could have so much fear hidden behind so many walls, or that she would be the one to bring it out of him.

“James.” She reaches up and fits her own fingers between his. He looks down and swallows.

“We heard that first shot and we didn’t see you…” he shakes his head. “I guess I panicked when I thought the worst.”

“I promise you, I am okay.” His eyes soften a little at that tiny reassurance. “I told you, I can handle myself.” 

It’s a lame joke, but the weak curl of his lips is reward enough it makes her grin. 

Watching someone hold that much emotion in their heart just for her. It fills her aching ribcage with warmth and she leans forward, despite the pain to kiss his cheek. “I’m fine,” she whispers against his ear. And when she can feel him nod she pulls him the rest of the way in for a hug they both need so desperately. 

Pote gives them space and nudges the corpse with the toes of his boot.

 

 

James has just returned home when she gets out of the shower. He had Pote take her home to clean up while he took care of the mess at the winery. More likely, he needed a few minutes to get himself back in check before he talked to her again. And she really didn’t blame him. She had thought about checking in on Guero before she went downstairs, but she didn’t want to risk the blowup in store if he was still awake and he got a look at her face.

James was sitting in the kitchen when she walked in. He had shed his jacket and was leaned over with his head in one hand rubbing at his temples with an open, untouched, beer bottle in front of him. 

She touched his shoulder as she took the seat next to him. He flinches at her face. The beginnings of a nice dark splotch are forming from her left cheekbone to her jaw and a fat split lip courtesy of the floor. Her nose was pretty sore and swollen, but luckily not broken. At least he couldn’t see the bruise on her ribs.

“It looks a lot worse than it is.”

“Well, it looks pretty bad,” he counters in a voice too small for him. “If I was paying attention-“

“No, stop. None of this is your fault.” Of course he would blame himself, it’s number four on his list of talents. “You were paying attention. I snuck off by myself to avoid that attention. It was stupid. I didn’t take my safety seriously. This one’s on me. Okay?”

“But if I can’t keep this stuff from happening, why am even I here?”

“You’re here,” she whispers and reaches for his hand. “Because you want to do better, James. That’s why you found me. You came to me and you asked me to let you in and I said yes. You’re not here to be my watchdog. You’re here because we both want you to be.” 

He doesn’t respond, but he does turn his hand over and lace their fingers together. That’s how they always were when it came down to it. Teresa and James together. 

“No matter how many times you say it; I don’t think I’ll ever believe I deserve this. Not from you.”

“Then I’ll just have to keep reminding you.”

He finally laughs at that, it’s small and low, but it’s there. And then he just looks at her. Not in the way that he’s trying to memorize her face or stare at her soul. He just looks at her like he’s lucky to get to. Like he wants to be able to appreciate just how beautiful she is. Like he loves her and he’s taking the time just to soak in it. His face gets softer the longer he sits there till he could just be a regular man in a kitchen without his own past dragging him down. She brings out the light in him and he wonders if she even knows it.

He spent so long, so many years, living and breathing for the business, and the loyalty, and Camila, being what he had to be and doing what he had to do and burying it all away in a cemetery behind his lungs. And then she showed up, and his feet were out from under him and his world was chaos. And he thinks maybe she saved him a little bit when she walked in. 

And then with the sound of a single shot he thought he’d lost it all over again.

“When we heard that shot, and then Pote said he couldn’t find you… I’ve been doing this a while, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt that scared before.” His thumb runs across the back of her knuckles with each word. “I don’t think I can lose you.” 

That’s what he’s really scared of. He’s terrified this woman next to him, this wild headstrong woman that called him an asshole the day they met and flipped his world on it’s side, will finally leave him one day, and he won’t be able to stop it, and it will ruin him. 

“Guess I should’ve known you’d be fine,” he chuckles to lighten the serious mood the conversation has taken.  
She doesn’t laugh though. Instead, she pulls his hand closer to her and holds it between both of hers. It’s warm; and normal. 

“The DEA.”

“What?”

“When Cortez and the feds got you in the parking garage. And they had you upstairs. That’s the first time I was really scared… that I might lose you too.” The last part is almost a whisper he has to strain to hear. “And then again, with Devon.”

“I guess… we should both be careful not to get shot then.”

It finally pulls a real laugh out of her and he can’t help but smile at the way it transforms her face. Even black and blue bruises couldn’t hide the light she had. 

“Maybe we could settle for just not dying for now. You do seem to get shot quite a lot.” This time when she laughed, it was cut off by a wince he didn’t miss before she tried to cover it up. He was on alert immediately.

“I thought you were all good.”

“I am. It’s nothing. He just got a pretty good kick in my ribs. I’m fine.”

“Teresa they could be broken. Let me see.”

“James, I’m okay.”

“Will you just let me make sure? Please.”

She huffs out a sigh and stands to the side of her chair to lift the hem of her shirt over her ribs. There’s an angry black smudge across her side the size of a grown man’s foot, just where she had seen it in the mirror. He sucks in a sharp breath when he sees it and softly presses his fingers to the tender skin. Which she realizes was an immediate mistake, and not because of the pain.

The minute he touches her, even through the ache and stiffness in her muscles, she’s transported back to the last time he had his hands around her chest. His fingers are cool and precise this time around as they feel for breaks, but they leave her skin hot where he’s brushed it. She can barely register any pain at all, consumed by just the small feeling of his touch. He’s standing so close, and it’s suddenly so hard to breathe or even focus on anything that isn’t wrapped up in him. 

When he says, “Nothing feels broken,” she watches his lips and she really, really wants to kiss him again. Right then, she can’t even remember why she shouldn’t. 

He pulls away first, clearing his throat and shattering the quiet tension around them. Teresa lets her shirt fall back around her hips and blinks away the last remnants of hidden desire. They both seem almost shy about it. 

“I should probably try to sleep. Maybe check on Guero before.” She regrets it the second his name is out of her mouth. It is the exact stupidest thing she could say. The mood shifts almost immediately. He almost flinches back at the reminder of the ex-love of her life on bed rest right upstairs. That one unspoken elephant in the room. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you need as much rest as you can get. We're leaving early tomorrow.”

She shakes her head absently trying to salvage the situation in any way, but he’s already turning back to his beer and she doesn’t know what to say. She begins to head back to her room, before stopping in the doorway. “James?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.” She doesn’t really know what she’s thanking him for specifically, there’s too many things to count at this point. But he smirks and she smiles, and then turns and heads to bed.


	4. i want you to know that i've got your back, even when the whole foundation seems cracked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sharing cigarettes for breakfast, the exact kind of fluff you don't want, and more angst than you'd like to endure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what? two chapters in one week? are you okay, sydnee? enjoy because i currently have no idea how the next chapter's gonna go <3

Almost everyone was already up and going about their day by the time Teresa stepped outside to meet James. He was leaning against the side of the building Taza had let them use while they stayed with him talking on the phone with someone that obviously had him exasperated. He was dressed in his usual black and sunglasses despite the scorching Arizona heat, but he showed no signs of discomfort. He nodded to her as she stopped at his side.

“Just get here. No more pit stops,” he huffed and pocketed his phone, in exchange for a fresh cigarette. “His highness should get here pretty soon.” He let the words out with a deep exhale of smoke. This was stressing him out.   
“Apparently, they stopped for tacos along the way.” 

She can tell he’s annoyed by the idea of waiting for George to arrive after his breakfast break, but the thought brings a short giggle out of her. It feels good, laughing again. She hadn’t had many reasons to enjoy it lately. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

He smiles briefly around the cigarette in his hand. “Well, when they show, we can get everything rolling.”

They had talked over the plan quickly on the ride over the previous morning, but they needed George to get there to finalize their next move. “I think you’re just impatient to get to those cars.” She knew how much he enjoyed being behind the wheel of a fast one speeding down the road. She’d learned it the very day she met him.

It brings a snort that could be considered laughter out of him. “They don’t exactly hurt.”

It feels nice, being able to talk to him like this, to share soft jokes, and laugh together. It makes her feel lighter than she is, like maybe she can pretend their world isn’t imploding around them, just for a second. These moments are so few and far between for any of them, she appreciates when she gets the chance to enjoy one. They never last long.

“You think this is going to work?”

He takes another long drag. “I think it has to.”

“It’s dangerous…” And it is. Even if it goes perfectly, which their plans hardly ever do if she’s being honest, something could happen. 

“I have your back,” he says it as a reminder, like she doesn’t already know he’d throw himself in front of a truck to keep her safe. That’s the thought that has her uneasy. 

“And I’ll have yours.” She can’t see his eyes behind his damn sunglasses, but when he turns his head towards her, she imagines they’re probably soft and surprised. Because he’s the one that’s supposed to be keeping her alive. No one’s ever worried about keeping him alive before. Not before he met her.

She takes the cigarette from his fingers and takes one long drag, watching the smoke dissolve into the air as she exhales, then she passes it back it his hand. They’re quiet for a while after that, sharing the silence while he finishes smoking and she stares out towards the horizon. It’s peaceful here. 

When he finishes, James pushes off from the wall and crushes the remainder of his cigarette beneath his boot. “You hungry? You want to go find something to eat while we wait for George?”

“I, uh… I told Guero I’d get him breakfast today.”

“Oh. Right, yeah. That makes sense.” He recovers quickly, shaking off the momentary defeat. “I’ll, uh, go find Taza then, make sure everything’s good for now. I’ll see you…” 

And then he’s gone. And Teresa feels like she ruined something.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
She finds Guero sitting at a small table behind most of the buildings when she brings him the food she was able to find. He’d been stubborn enough to stand on his own and walk a little, but she could tell it still caused him quite a bit of pain. Not enough to wound his pride by accepting the wheelchair offered to him though. 

They eat in quiet at first. Not the comfortable quiet she just shared with James. This was different, there was tension here. 

“It’s so beautiful out here. Peaceful,” she tries to break the silence.

“It’s fair,” he jokes back, lightening the mood.

“Oh come on, it’s nice.”

“I guess. I don’t know, I’m more of a Spanish beach kind of guy.”

The mention of their past startles her and she looks up at him quickly, but he’s staring off ahead of him. 

“You still think about… that stuff?” It had been a year of loss and confusion and struggle and fear and, ultimately, growth. But he still held on to that one far off dream. It was endearing, but it also made her sad. That was so far off now. They’d never have that. Not now. Too much had changed and died since then.

“All the time. Sitting in the sand. Watching you chase around a little mini us in the ocean.” He must see the look of grief in her eyes. “I guess it’s just a fantasy at this point. But it’s nice to hold on to.” She reaches over to grab his hand and give him any kind of comfort she can. It’s hard to hold on to a dream you’ll never get. They all knew that by now. So she tries to focus on the happy memories they have, and not the future they’d lost.

“Hey, you remember Tony’s birthday?”

He smiles at that. “When Chino’s uncle showed up.”

“And made a move on Brenda and she just started yelling at him. And she took off her shoe to hit him with it. Tony was so embarrassed, but Chino just laughed and kissed her right there.” They chuckle together at the thought of their old friends, of their old life. It’s so easy to just slip back into those personas.

“It’s nice, getting to talk to them with someone who… knew them.”

“Yeah…” They fall quiet. The ghosts they’d buried standing over their shoulders. They really had lost so much. 

“I miss her so much sometimes. I’ll just think about her, out of nowhere, and remember she’s gone and I’ll never see her again and I just miss her. And then sometimes, I think it’s better she isn’t around for this part. That she doesn’t have to fight so hard anymore.” She lays her head on his shoulder for comfort. He squeezes her fingers and kisses her hair. They’ll mourn together.

“Well, I know she’d be proud of you.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. I mean, she’d probably still tell you to shower more, and complain about the heat, maybe flirt with James to make him uncomfortable, but she’d be proud, Tere.” Brenda’s nickname for her feels like a small warmth spreading in her heart and she can’t help, but smile at the thought it all.

“They met once. Or talked. Her and James, over the phone. He was looking for me when…” she drops off the end of that sentence. She doesn’t need Guero getting prickly over James right now. “I think she threatened him.”

He lets out a belly laugh that pulls at the stitches in his side. “That’s our Brenda.”

They lapse into more silence, lighter than before. And it’s almost like old times. The closeness and ease before it all went to shit.

“I missed this. I missed you,” he whispers.

“Me too.” She does. She misses this with him, when it was so easy and they were allowed to be in love without fear and struggle. She misses the past them. But this small trip back in time isn’t reality. They’ll have to get up and plot how to steal a supply and avoid death and this moment will fade into something else for her to look back on. 

She misses when it was easy, and Guero actually felt like safety, and the thought of a future brought her happiness and not regret. It’s not a complete lie. But even in this moment, a part of her, a small jagged part, can’t help but think about how it’s still partially his fault they’re here.

Noise from the front gates break them out of their moment and Teresa pulls herself away. A raucous round of dry laughter let’s her know immediately that George is here. 

Beside her, Guero mumbles, “Let the war council commence.” 

As she stands to grab Guero’s plate and help him up, she doesn’t notice James turning the corner and walking away.   
.  
.  
.  
.  
They’d been speeding down the highway a few miles behind George for she couldn’t guess how long and no one had said a word. At first she was thinking about the mission and worrying about everyone in front of her, but then James hadn’t said anything either and her quiet analysis lapsed into something else. Of course James was usually quiet, he didn’t say much even when he did talk, but this was different. She at least expected him to maybe ask how her injuries were doing, or make a joke about Pote’s driving.

This felt different. Not tense exactly, but like there was something weighing down the air the longer they stayed quiet. He didn’t seem angry exactly, more focused in a way that seemed like a distraction. Like something was bothering him.

Of course Guero had made a fuss when they decided on the final plan of action, specifically the part about her riding with James. Their brief truce had gone up in flames when he caught site of Teresa’s face the next morning. Guero thought he should tag along this time. James had rolled his eyes, a few huffy remarks were thrown back and forth, mostly revolving around Guero’s inability to actually walk on his own, and James’s inability to protect Teresa the last time he was supposed to. 

It ended with her telling both of them to shut up and get their shit together. But she couldn’t imagine that being the reason for the silent treatment she felt like she was getting.

“Are we… good?” she asked in a small voice.

“What?”

“You’re quiet. I just, I didn’t know if something happened after earlier, or if anything was going on with you… or with us.”

He sighs and rubs at his face and her heart drops to her stomach.

“Yeah, I just had trouble sleeping, and I… I didn’t get a chance to grab any food earlier. Got distracted.” It comes out sounding like a half truth.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to lie to me, you know?” This is such a flip from their light talk by the house just a few hours ago. Something is wrong and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“I said I’m good. Don’t worry about it.” It’s short and he keeps his gaze on the road, but she notices his hands tighten on the wheel just a fraction. She doesn’t know how to respond. It’s clearly something he doesn’t want her to press, but she’s afraid of what will happen if she lets him stew in his feelings the rest of the ride. So she mumbles an okay and looks back at the landscape whizzing by her window.

This time the silence is suffocating. Each second that ticks by and each tree that blurs past the window is another weight to their tension. And she’s at a total loss. He’s irritated and she doesn’t know why and he doesn’t want her to know why, which means it probably has to do with her. But she hadn’t even talked to him since that morning.

When he lights a third cigarette since they started driving she’s had it. “You know what, no.” She reaches over and plucks it right out of his lips and tosses it out her window. 

“Excuse me?”

“Something is wrong and you can talk to me. That’s how this works, we talk to each other and we work things out. We don’t sit and brood and dish out the silent treatment. Especially when we’re about to run into some dangerously stupid shit. So why don’t you tell me why you can’t even look at me right now.”

He sighs and swallows and for a minute she thinks he’s just going to ignore her completely.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about. We have a job to do.”

“It involves you, so yes it is something for me to worry about. Why are you cutting me out right now?”

“Because you’ve got Guero back.” Somehow it feels like a slap to the face. That he’d think she doesn’t want him anymore because Guero’s there. Like they’re interchangeable. Like he thinks none of it meant anything to her. 

“How can you say that? James, how can you think that?” 

“He’s the love of your life, Teresa. I’ve seen it. I’m just a gun you still barely trust that you slept with once.”

“That’s bullshit.” She wants to yell it. She wishes they weren’t in a car so she can look him in the eye and see if he really believes the stuff coming out of his mouth. If he really thinks these things about her. 

“It’s not bullshit,” he says it so nonchalantly. So emotionlessly. Like he’s already completely closed off and gone. “I care about you. You know that. But you love him, and we can’t just pretend you don’t and everything is fine. This is the real world. And I’m trying to deal with it, because you don’t need this shit right now. Like you said there’s other stuff to take care of first. But it’s fucking hard for me.” 

“I told you, you could leave.” Now she’s afraid he’s going to.

“And I told you I’m not going to. Why do you think I would leave? Yeah, it’s shitty, but I found you. I saved your life. I begged you to let me in, and you think I’m just gonna turn tail and disappear because your ex-boyfriend is back and I’m sad about it. I’m not abandoning you, I would never do that. I just… need to take a step back.”

A step back. 

A step back from her?

It’s all unraveling around her, so naturally that’s when she get’s the call form Pote.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Are you alright?” Guero’s waiting for them at the door when they all get back, dusty and tired. He steps towards her automatically and reaches for her face. James walks past them without a word and disappears down the hall. She watches him go helplessly. “What happened?”

“Someone snitched. They knew the whole plan, didn’t even look twice at us,” Pote answers over her shoulder. 

“Fuck,” Guero breathes out, dropping his hand. “And Mr. Broodiness himself? What’s his deal?” He asks with a gesture over his own shoulder. 

_I’m breaking his heart and I don’t know what to do about it._

Instead, it’s Pote who says, “He almost got blown up,” as he’s walking towards the kitchen. He doesn’t know that’s only half of it. 

Guero raises his eyebrows at that. “Damn. You sure you’re good?”

She nods. “I, uh, I need to go talk to him though. Just check on him really quick. Pote can fill you in on everything. It’ll only be a second.”

He doesn’t look happy about it, but he nods and lets her go. 

James is down to that fucking tank top of his that always makes it hard for her to focus anywhere, but his arm, washing the blood from his arm with a rag when she steps up to the doorway. It’s not as bad as she thought. When she saw him headed towards the van, when she realized it was gonna blow, it was like everything stopped, just for a second, and she could see it happen. See him make it there just as it went up in flames, consuming him with it. Taking him from her. And then, it snapped back into movement like a rubber band and she was running after him before she even realized it. Tackling him to the ground before he could get too close. 

“You alright?” she questions quietly. He looks up at her for just a moment and nods, but he doesn’t say anything else. Is he still mad at her? 

She can’t take the silence and the distance, she almost lost him. She walks forward and stops next to him, reaching and taking the rag from his hand. She doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t either. She runs it under the water and wrings the blood into the sink, watching the pink swirl down the drain. Then, she pulls his hand into hers and starts wiping and dabbing the blood away as gently as she can.

They don’t talk, she just holds onto his wrist and cleans the raw skin of his arm, and he just watches her. She hopes it’s enough of a peace offering. She hopes he understands what she’s saying without her words and just with her presence. Does he get how important he is to her? Does he get that she cares too and it’s just as confusing and hard for her? 

Suddenly she feels the whisper soft press of his fingers on her forearm. He’s tracing tiny circles on her skin with his fingertips. Its so soothing. She pauses and looks up at him. He looks sad. It scares her that he looks sad.

He’s got the soft brown puppy eyes he get’s sometimes when he looks at her. The ones that usually make her heart melt, but this time they make her feel cold. “I’m sorry,” she breathes. _I’m so sorry._

He nods and his lips lift barely at the edges. “Me too.” The emotion in his voice makes her hurt that much more. She did this to him and she can’t stand it. But he just looks at her, right into her eyes and he looks so small. 

And she kisses him.

It wasn’t planned. She hadn’t expected to look up at him and see the softness in his eyes and be overwhelmed by the desire she felt to kiss him and ease every bit of pain he was holding inside. Based on his reaction, it’s not was he was expecting either. He didn’t move at first, and she was momentarily worried he was going to pull away. 

But then the hard set of his mouth melted away and his lips opened against hers and she felt her heart smiling.  
This, she knew, was what she wanted. Him. She wanted him. 

Her arms wrapped around his neck, and she tasted the cigarettes on his tongue. Felt the rough tickle of his facial hair against her cheek. She wanted to melt into him. She wanted to feel him everywhere. 

His hands moved from her hips to her thighs, and then she was lifted form her feet and being set on the edge of the sink as he moved to stand between her legs. His mouth never left hers. He kissed her with hunger, and need, like she was the only thing in his world, but his lips managed to stay so soft. He was the perfect conundrum of a man. And he was hers. In that short slice of a moment, he was all hers. 

And she loved him.

They pulled apart for a breath, eyes still closed, foreheads still pressed together. His thumbs rubbed paths against the side of her thighs. 

But when she moved to kiss him again he stopped. And the moment shattered like brittle glass. 

“Wait.” His voice was husky and low. She could hear how much he didn’t really want to stop; she could feel it. “Teresa, we can’t.”

“What? Why?” she asked, pulling back further and frantically searching his eyes.

“A step back. I have to take a step back.” He says the words like he hates the feeling of them in his mouth and he regrets having to release them on her. 

“No. Wait, no. You don’t-“ 

“Teresa. Please.” He sounds so pained. 

“Just wait. You don’t understand.” _You don’t have to step back. I’m right here. I want you._ She’s grasping at his arms, begging him not to do this. Not now, when she’s just figured it out, when she’s ready.

“I’m sorry. It’s what I need.” He does kiss her one more time, but it’s short and chaste and it tastes like a good-bye.

Then he sniffs, and turns and walks away.

And a few minutes later she realizes there are tears falling from her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Come cry with me @ chancellor-valdez on tungle dot com


End file.
